Seems appropriate, since it also features a bloody sacrifice to Satan--and although the victim is a "virgin," I don't get the impression that she's an actual minor child here. Nor does Satan speak in rhyme. I approve. I also approve of the moral-crusader-baiting nature of the song. Interestingly, the outrage factor was probably partially what saved Venom from obscurity. They weren't the most skilled or talented band out there and relied heavily on gimmicks to make their stage performances memorable (I love the idea of the portable fans to make their hair flow constantly. I may have to steal that for the Devil Music sequel.) yet that same lack of technical skills forced them to go for speed rather than proficiency in playing, letting them create something that was uniquely their own.
Not to mention that they made the perfect kind of music to get heavy-metal-fearing parents' knickers in a twist, thus further encouraging rebellious teens to seek out their work. And of course the fact that the band's "Satanism" is nothing but a gimmick (confirmed by the band members themselves, according to my trusty Encyclopedia of Heavy Metal) didn't register with those panicky parents.
By the way, anti-metal moral crusaders? If someone mentions using images of Baphomet in their eeeeevil rituals like this song does, they're almost certainly trolling you. Baphomet started life as a "deity" made up of whole cloth to make the Knights Templar look like filthy idol-worshiping pagans so the king of France would have an excuse to steal their land and money. The only group I can think of off the top of my head that seriously uses Baphomet as a religious/ritual symbol today is the Church of Satan, and they were pretty much formed for the express purpose of trolling you. Then again, if Michelle Remembers is anything to go by, trolling you is depressingly easy.
For today's installment of the "powering through the worst book of the 1980's" playlist, I have officially given up making sense of any of the cult's weird rituals as Michelle describes them. So please enjoy this infinitely more coherent Primus video instead:
Avatar doesn't suck. This music video is one of the more artsy bits of film I've seen in a long time, and I find myself NOT laughing or rolling my eyes in disgust in parts where I ought to be creeped out. See, Michelle Remembers? It can be done.
Also, just for fun:
Psychedelic paint swirls! I should like to try this sometime.
Sigh. Yes, I'm still reading the worst book of the 1980's. Damn thing just goes on and on and on; I've read seventeen chapters in, and I'm only just now getting to the halfway point. If it weren't for the stunningly screwy moments of WTFery this pile of literary diarrhea occasionally delivers, I'd have given up in disgust long ago. (One of those moments is the reason I only put up one deconstruction post last week. While reading chapter 18, I ran into a WTF nugget so bizarre, so nonsensical, so completely and utterly pointless that I needed some extra time to work out what exactly I wanted to say about it. It's that bad.)
At this point, I need something really, really heavy-duty to cut through the glurge. "Ora Pro Nobis Lucifer" by Behemoth ought to do the trick.
My goodness, but that video is a breath of fresh air. Creepy, atmospheric, and not a single tacky papier-mache statue of Satan in sight. Also, I'm pretty sure Adam "Nergal" Darski could snap Malachi and the nurse in half and eat them for breakfast, and then squeeze that weird possessed lady from the last chapter like an orange until all the demons dripped out of her, all without breaking a sweat. I want him to be the cult leader. Maybe he'd make the hillbilly cultists stop fecklessly kicking six-year-olds and kittens around and do something actually scary for once.
Come on, what other song could I possibly put next on my playlist for torturing oneself with reading a horrible book featuring a very psycho therapist?
By the way, Skid Row did a cover of this song:
As cover songs go, it's pretty solid, but the video may just give you seizures.
Next up on the "Wow, are these songs ever much, much better art than the worst book of the 1980's" playlist, "Gutter Ballet" by Savatage!
My goodness, but this video is pretty. Also, it opens with a rat scurrying back and forth across the keys of a flaming piano, which makes a thousand times more sense than anything in Michelle Remembers.
So. I'm still reading the worst book of the 1980's. And it's rapidly turning into "Toxic Relationship: The How-To Manual."
Therefore, this song seemed like an appropriate next entry into the playlist:
(Also, this Wednesday is my birthday. and it has come to my attention that I share a birthday with one Vincent Damon Furnier, better known to the world as Alice Cooper. Happy birthday to us!)
So. #4 on the "slogging through an awful book" comfort playlist.
"Miracle Man" by Ozzy Osbourne.
Because this book is rapidly turning into an advertisement for Christianity (of the creepy Medieval kind where you're supposed to exorcise demons from people and see witches around every corner), it's nice to listen to a song taking the piss out of a certain prostitute-loving televangelist who was so uptight about popular music that he paradoxically hated even these guys.
So. #3 on my "the fuck did I just read?!" playlist: "Dayzed" by Piranha!
I chose it because:
1. Rather like the book, it's weird and creepy and disjointed.
2. Unlike the book, these things do not make me want to throw it across the room. Good song. Have a cookie.
Also, Piranha is based in Minneapolis. As a Midwesterner myself, I'd like to give some Midwestern metal a shout-out. Stay tuned for more.
Okay, I just forced myself to finish another chapter of the worst book of the 1980's. Can I listen to a song now?
#2 on the "please, God, just let me get through this pile of garbage with my sanity intact" playlist: "Dance of Death" by Iron Maiden.
Why this song belongs on the playlist:
Iron Maiden manages to create a more convincingly creepy scene in an 8-minute song than certain people who shall remain nameless because they know who they are manage to create in the 300-page entirety of Michelle Remembers. I want someone to just write a novelization of this song so I can read it instead.
So I'm currently about six chapters into the worst book of the 1980's, and I'm having trouble reading further because of how badly written and preachy it is, but I promised I'd deconstruct it, so too bad. I've put together a playlist of appropriately themed music to reward myself for doing my homework, but it's only partially working because now I want to just listen to the much better and more pleasant songs and blow off the book. So I'm only permitting myself to listen to one at a time.
I just finished a chapter, so here's #1 on the playlist. "Mother" by Danzig.
I felt this one fit the theme for several reasons:
1. This song will never not fit anywhere. It is brilliant.
2. The fact that the video is shot in black and white is a nice touch. The use of light and shadow is nice too; it gives the whole thing a dreamy, surreal feel. If Michelle Remembers had been written by a good writer (and preferably labeled and marketed as the fiction it is, rather than disguised as non-fiction) I think this is roughly what the movie adaptation would look like.
3. The video features the sacrifice of a chicken. Which seems to have little to do with the actual song, but still makes a thousand times more sense than any of the Satanic rituals in Michelle Remembers.
Well, I've had my fun. *sigh* Back to the Satanic-Panic-generating bullshit mines with me.
Every now and then my husband will share random YouTube videos with me on Facebook. They're usually stuff he thinks (and he's almost always right) I'll find amusing: Weird old training videos, short Minecraft animations, funny animals.
And sometimes he finds grainy vintage footage of an eastern European glam metal band.
That's Divlje Jagode. Their name apparently means "wild strawberries" in Bosnian. Beyond that, I have absolutely no idea what they're saying, but I like it. They also apparently released a new album this year (pretty great for a band that's been around since 1977!) which I shall also have to check out. Husband has served me well. I shall reward him with strawberries (the literal kind, not the big-haired Bosnian rocker kind).
I'm currently a few days into a visit with my in-laws. Unfortunately my in-laws live in a different time zone. Due to my still being a bit jet-lagged, the loose theme of this list is "stuff that's loud and/or upbeat and/or epic and can keep me from passing out at my keyboard."
1. Amaranthe, "Drop Dead Cynical" "The Nexus"
Amaranthe has some tremendous music videos. Love the sci-fi/horror vibe of "The Nexus."
2. Blind Guardian, "Nightfall in Middle-Earth (full album)"
Another band I found out about on Twitter. Twitter isn't my favorite thing in the world, but my goodness can you ever find a lot of great bands there.
4. Reckless Love, "Hot"
I bet I could convince my electronica-loving husband that this is just harmless dance music. Then, once this gateway rock song was planted, I would introduce progressively heavier tracks into his music library until he is converted to the One True Genre! Muuahahaha!
And now I'd better take a nap. Because apparently when my sleep schedule is disrupted enough, I become unhinged and morph into a heavy metal-themed supervillain.
More songs that I'd really like to have on my iPod:
1. Badlands, "Dreams In The Dark"
iTunes, y u no have this song available for purchase? :( Also, this song needs to be on Rock Band, like right now, because Rock Band is one of the few video games I can competently play with my husband and sister-in-law and I sound AWESOME singing Dreams In The Dark. Or at least I think I do, while I'm in the shower. I could be wrong.
2. Cats N Boots, "Shotgun Sally"
Also not on iTunes. Oh well. I'll find a way.
3. Damn Yankees, "Runaway"
4. The Pretty Reckless, "Follow Me Down"
Hell yeah.
5. Rhino Bucket, "Beat To Death Like A Dog"
One of those sort-of-sounds-like-AC/DC-but-isn't bands. The song is pretty fun, though I do find it a little alarming that the lyrics just assume that gratuitous blunt-force trauma is the default cause of death for dogs.
Here is part II of my musical wishlist for Christmas 2014. Since last week's list had a theme, these are loosely tied together by themes of violence, death and insanity. Hey, I never said the themes had to be Christmas-appropriate.
1. Avatar, "Vultures Fly"
This song has a great Rob Zombie-ish feel to it. Plus I love that Avatar's vocalist looks like the result of Blackie Lawless, Marilyn Manson, Captain Hook and the Joker all having a transporter accident together.
2. Suicidal Tendencies, "Institutionalized" and Body Count, "Institutionalized 2014"
One clever, funny-in-a-dark-way song from 1983, and a cover that updates it to deal with all the crazy-making little frustrations and indignities of life in the 21st century. These two might be worth their own separate Music Video Monday post at some point.
3. Requiem, "Sticks And Stones And Her Lovely Bones"
Delightfully weird and haunting.
4. KING 810, "Fat Around The Heart"
I was pleasantly surprised to discover that this band hails from my home state, specifically from Flint. Which is perfect for the purpose of the music video, since Flint's crumbling cityscapes and unfortunate reputation as one of the most dangerous cities in America makes for some of the most supremely creepy imagery I've ever seen which still manages to be breathtakingly beautiful.
Every time Christmas rolls around, there are a few certainties I can count on. I know, for instance, that my brother will be well-nigh impossible to shop for, that I'll go hog-wild in the kitchen and bake more cookies than I can possibly eat in ten lifetimes, and most importantly, that at least one person will get me an iTunes gift card for a gift. These things are like the weather: they're part of the world's natural rhythms, and they just happen whether you're prepared for them or not.
Since I'm pretty much fated to receive an excuse to purchase 25 or more songs (poor me) and I've also heard some rumors that one relative may be thinking about gifting me with a replacement for my rapidly failing 7-year-old iPod, I thought I'd share some items from my musical wishlist.
1. Santa Cruz, "We Are The Ones To Fall" "Wasted & Wounded" and "Aiming High"
I'm quite excited about this band, for several reasons:
1. They're very pretty men.
2. They have that fast, sleazy hard rock sound that I love.
3. They're very pretty men, especially that gorgeous lead singer.
4. If their music videos are anything to go by, their showmanship is awesome.
5. Did I mention that they're very pretty men?
In 1981, a band called Killer Dwarfs* formed in Ontario, Canada.
I note, with mild disappointment, that they are not actually dwarfs (either of the battle-axe-wielding DnD variety or the real-world little person variety). Nor do they appear particularly homicidal.
They do, however, know how to put together a delightful music video.
Now, sit back and relax as these fine gentlemen take you through the steps to surviving should you find yourself trapped in a feel-good 80's comedy about lovable underdogs bringing down an evil faceless corporation.
First off, you'll find yourself wronged in a big, humiliating way by your powerful enemy (in this case, Monster Records. You know they're evil because of the toothy monster mouth coming out of their decadent golden record logo. The 80's loved themselves some heavy-handed symbolism.)
For our heroes, this wrong takes the form of them being thrown out of the building following (I assume) their attempt to get a recording contract. And I do mean that literally; the poor guys end up in a crumpled heap on the sidewalk. The 80's also loved them some seriously hardcore bullies.
Once you've been wronged, you might strike a defiant pose and inform your tormentor, non-verbally if necessary, that you'll get back at them if it's the last thing you do. It'll do absolutely nothing to improve your predicament, of course, but it'll make you feel a bit better. Plus it's emotionally satisfying for your audience.
Then, having been pushed around and beaten down to the point where you're mad as hell and you're not going to take it anymore, the only thing to do is settle down and exact the only revenge you can in a wacky 80's underdog comedy: beat the bullies at their own game!
At this point, you may be wondering how Our Heroes are supposed to demonstrate an example of this step to us. After all, recording studios are expensive, and it's not like they can just go to their guitarist's mom's house and make a record, right?
Ah, but you forget that the 80's were also the age of MacGyver. It's amazing that any record company managed to turn a profit at all, considering that all struggling rock bands had to do to record an album was rig up an improvised home studio consisting of a single tape recorder and a small microphone mounted on a rocking horse's head.
(Recording studios need soundproofing, you say? Oh, don't be silly. I'm sure they stuffed the walls with nice noise-absorbing Styrofoam peanuts before they started.)
And don't think that the fact that the recording on the tape has to then be put on an actual physical record is any barrier, because with a little teamwork and a few Goldbergian contraptions, these talented fellows can manufacture their own records too. They even melt their own vinyl on the stove** and transport it via pneumatic tube.
Album cover design? No problem! What they came up with is a little crude, but...
...they just pop the whole thing in the microwave and...
Wait, what?
...
Uh...hey guys? Can I borrow your microwave next time I have a manuscript to finish? Nuking a stack of paper on the "magic" setting for two minutes just seems so much easier and cheaper than hiring an editor, a proofreader, a formatter, and a cover artist.
Actually, by the end of the video, I'm kind of questioning who the underdog is. The band has magic technology that lets them create professional-grade records from random junk lying around their apartment (I guess they were only trying to get signed to a record company to save themselves some work) and fans are rushing stores to buy their album while the record company ends up crumbling and defaced by Killer Dwarfs-related graffiti. That's the one big pitfall of the whole underdog narrative; once your underdogs stop being underdogs, they might take the place of the bullies they defeated if you aren't careful.
Then again, the record company did commit the unforgivable crime of spelling music with a Z. So I really can't feel particularly bad that they were defeated by some MacGyver tech and an upbeat 80's montage.
*Also spelled KiLLeR DWaRfS, apparently. Sigh. At least they keep the letters in the right order.
**Apropos of nothing, I found myself kind of curious about whether this was actually possible. According to my research, vinyl has a low enough melting point that you can apparently make a crafty set of decorative bowls from unwanted old records in an oven heated to 200 degrees, so I suppose it could be. I doubt the process actually produces cool dry ice smoke as a side effect, though.
By the way, if you'd like to know how vinyl records are made without the use of enchanted microwaves in real life, here's a video.
I went ahead and put together a list of songs that will never, ever be chosen for any campaign because they're glaringly inappropriate...but would make for a much more entertaining and/or honest campaign if they were.
1. "Hair of the Dog" by Nazareth.
Most politicians are sons of bitches, so it wouldn't be lying.
2. "Mean Man" by W.A.S.P.
Sorry, but no politician is awesome enough to be represented by this song. Also, I'm told that it's a huge faux pas to use the word "motherfucker" to refer to your opponent on the election trail, no matter how much he deserves it.
2. "Get in the Ring" by Guns n Roses.
Those stupid rules against hurling invective at your opponent again. Even though, you know, once you strip away the weird, stiff, hyper-formal politeness and get to the barely concealed hostility below the surface, most modern political debates do indeed boil down to "I don't like you, I just hate you, I'm gonna kick your ass."
4. "Girls, Girls, Girls" by Motley Crue.
I'm a big advocate of transparency in government, and that includes political candidates telling us what they plan to get in trouble for once they're in office (we find some types of scandal more entertaining than others, you know!). Here's the perfect song for a guy who plans to get caught spending taxpayer money on his affair with a 19-year-old stripper.
5. "Everybody Must Get Stoned" by Bob Dylan.
Of course, some powerful men prefer getting caught doing hard drugs.
6. "Have A Drink On Me" by AC/DC.
Or public drunkenness.
7. "Fistful of Diamonds" by W.A.S.P.
Or just plain old-fashioned embezzlement.
And finally...
8. "Computer God" by Black Sabbath.
Because we all know it's the NSA that's really in charge of everything.
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