Tuesday, November 4, 2014

As President, I Will Fight To End Boring Political Campaigns

You know, now that I'm on the topic of inappropriate songs for political campaigns...

I went ahead and put together a list of songs that will never, ever be chosen for any campaign because they're glaringly inappropriate...but would make for a much more entertaining and/or honest campaign if they were.

1. "Hair of the Dog" by Nazareth.

Most politicians are sons of bitches, so it wouldn't be lying.

2. "Mean Man" by W.A.S.P.

Sorry, but no politician is awesome enough to be represented by this song. Also, I'm told that it's a huge faux pas to use the word "motherfucker" to refer to your opponent on the election trail, no matter how much he deserves it.

2. "Get in the Ring" by Guns n Roses.

Those stupid rules against hurling invective at your opponent again. Even though, you know, once you strip away the weird, stiff, hyper-formal politeness and get to the barely concealed hostility below the surface, most modern political debates do indeed boil down to "I don't like you, I just hate you, I'm gonna kick your ass."

4. "Girls, Girls, Girls" by Motley Crue.

I'm a big advocate of transparency in government, and that includes political candidates telling us what they plan to get in trouble for once they're in office (we find some types of scandal more entertaining than others, you know!). Here's the perfect song for a guy who plans to get caught spending taxpayer money on his affair with a 19-year-old stripper.

5. "Everybody Must Get Stoned" by Bob Dylan.

Of course, some powerful men prefer getting caught doing hard drugs.

6. "Have A Drink On Me" by AC/DC.

Or public drunkenness. 

7.  "Fistful of Diamonds" by W.A.S.P.

Or just plain old-fashioned embezzlement. 

And finally...

8. "Computer God" by Black Sabbath.

Because we all know it's the NSA that's really in charge of everything.

Seriously, though, go vote today.

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