Monday, August 25, 2014

Music Video Monday: The Last In Line

Look, Music Video Land, we really need to talk about elevator safety.

Specifically, about your habit of putting portals to Hell in the elevators of unassuming office buildings:

Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't install a portal to Hell on your elevator at all. I'm willing to accept that you may have a perfectly good reason to install one. Maybe the local wizard college's department of demonology and infernal studies rents floor space from you. Maybe this is the headquarters for Politicians, Hedge Fund Managers, Serial Killers and Puppy Kickers Consolidated, and you installed the portal because your employees were all clamoring for a shorter commute. I get it. Sometimes you've just gotta make compromises.

But you need to label the button that activates the portal. And no, just labeling it with the floor number isn't good enough. If you do that, then sooner or later some poor delivery boy who isn't familiar with the layout of the building will get in and press that innocent-looking "9" button:

Only to be violently Tower of Terrored into a foggy, cyberpunk wasteland where this sight greets him at the opening of the door:

Seriously, guys, this portal is nothing but a big fat wrongful death lawsuit waiting to happen. Your company has only managed to avoid being sued into oblivion thus far by a stroke of sheer dumb luck. You see, the late Ronnie James Dio hangs out in Hell like it's the mall, because even in death he's still unbelievably awesome:

And fortunately for your negligent asses, he's such a kind soul that he can't resist stepping in to rescue the occasional innocent bystander who accidentally rode the Hellevator (by stabbing marauding robo-zombies in the crotch with what appears to be a sawed-off lightsaber, because why not):

But you can't count on Ronnie James Dio to save errant delivery boys for you forever. He's got important shit to do, like dragon-fighting, tiger-riding, and shopping for more sweet snake-themed jewelry:

One of these days he'll be off doing something else and some hapless delivery boy will wander through the portal and get killed. Or, if you're really unlucky, Dio will finally get sick of cleaning up your messes and will decide to teach you a lesson. Trust me, you don't want Dio teaching you a lesson. He can sic this thing on you. Also, he's got a sawed-off lightsaber and he's not shy about using it.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I am amused by this video's portrayal of Hell as a place where sinners are chained to old school video game machines and forced to play games that they can't win, over and over again:

Excuse me, I'm off to tell my avid gamer husband to repent his sins and live a good life. He'll thank me when he escapes condemnation to an eternity of losing at Demon Pac-Man.

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